And I wanted to be a Doctor!
Tonight will be the first time I am not just editing a piece or taking a writers notebook and transcribing an old piece. This is because of just another test ordered with no one to help me navigate. No one told me ahead of time I was to have it. I am not in any critical place. Where a Doctor has to dive in and do what you have to do to keep me alive. It seems I have to consider the field of Medicine in a new layer of who I am and how I meet life on life's terms and to see my personal lessons. Having personal dialogue that meets my standard, yet has to know what is happening to me and why.
When I was a child a Doctor came to the house and saw what was happening to the sick children. My Mother didn’t have a car to transport me anywhere, also I would be surprised if she had Health insurance. Standards of Medicine were so different. Given that my father had died I might have craved the male attention, however I did have a serious illness at the age of seven. Medicine is not what it used to be at all. At one time I was busy figuring out how to handle my day to day health as I aged. Maybe I wanted to not be trapped in such an impersonal system as I saw it evolving... How now because I have chosen to find a new Heart Doctor can I come to terms with walking down our drive thinking this is breaking my heart. I have to come to terms with this. I am all about personal and how to manage here and when change is right for me, it feels like extra testing psychologically is ripping my skin off. It is always about my thinking. How could they not remember to tell me what they need and why or what they did without my remembering to ask.
I know that I get giant crushes when a man shows me an ounce of care, I also am a wordsmith and remember the links in how their statements come together and don't always make sense to me. I feel it deeply within my heart as how to process, yet articulating my need is usually disjointed.
I now am coming to terms with my health care regardless of what the Doctor thinks. I seem to be in the learning curve between the old school Doctor who came to my home as a Doctor and a messaging system that is completely impersonal and I become just one of many patients. How to I keep it simple when I feel so much. I am again a graph to be measured in the scope of their knowledge and my care has slipped and how do I manage being a sensitive person, when I feel like a pound of flesh is a very skillful Art form. Something like a Potter who learns a complicated formula for their glazes and color formation.
Doctors don’t become Doctors because they are uncaring people but I feel the system of healthcare as a business is driving their care to have just another Test to tell them how to keep a patient alive or how to keep a patient with their many human untrained feelings at bay from blaming where there should be no blame.
This is so very complicated and watching how I need to become impersonal and trust I will manage and hold myself up. I will not let medicine break my heart.
