As I move into the evening after a day of too much excitement for being with my Doctor. How can this be with my very public Doctor? I want to be informed about my health and I end up feeling like an idiot. Then the test results come and in the clutter of my home and mind, I want to feel the passion I once did. I have studied what has no answers for me. This is what has to be. I don’t like being controlled by EMR’s ( Electronic Medical Records.) He dances with his own desires and who he is and in his life, while he runs his practice. He only knows a fraction of me and that is enough for him. I entertain because of my nervousness in all my feelings and thoughts. Who knows why I have a complete lapse of direction in his presence. I probably know but the story is too long. We did have fun, but then the lapse became the football on the field and he was not a coach until the clock hit his view. Even if he is directing my blood work and I panic wanting not to wait.
Is this me waiting and perceiving trouble in the world of how I feel not perceiving how lucky I am? He doesn’t know that death has been visiting me in my dearest of friends. I’m not able to understand his care for I am the caregiver of my world. There is only a fraction of how I feel loved in the care of another person. Who am I in this game of being old. My spirit is young and I need it’s expression. All this is so very confusing and the waiting is a dance I have with no partner, once again. I have waited for the results before. How do I trust? This is a one sided event happening to many. However right now it is happening to me.
