I have sometimes pushed and shoved to acquire what I want. Sitting on the sofa at my therapist today I realized as I worked at wrapping my mind around my life and crush on a man 12 years younger, when I am married for 37 years, I was not knowing exactly how to my process was and what happened to me. This man is my doctor. I see him every six weeks. My sister-in-law said as I talked of about him that I had a relationship with him of sorts. She did not mean it in the way I see it I certainly had never thought of it as a relationship, however I do now. I just went and he afforded me to be who I am on any given day with what I perceived as warmth and welcoming... Now I have been told by another Doctor that doctors love when their patients love them and that it was alright for them but not in my case because of my wild history before my marriage. The mix of how I came to this man is laced with an abundance of feelings. While I came with a great deal of what I thought was sophistication and what might have only been pretense. At some level I knew I was in trouble as he slipped my boot off to examine my ankles. I had never had a man do that let alone a doctor. Doctor or not he was still very attractive. While I lived for years and worked at my life with a husband, my husband is a which I thought was very smart on my part when I got married to help me figure out who I was and have a respectable life when my history had been anything but respectable, just wild, and showy and all about getting as much attention as I could till I decided I need to go to college after my second marriage failed and the next live in relationship I wanted different and my husband was at the college. He was a college professor. He was actually my college professor even though we are the same age. As I question the rest of my life and want to be successful in my aging process. I have realized how men have been a huge part of myself development.
