I’ m Tempted with a wish which crawls within me. I approach a part of myself long forgotten and only tasted in some far off fantasy that brings life to me as I move within my days. Now in the memory of my first marriage where I was to be the leader as I look back. I know I could never have been a leader. We slept together for months before marriage as more of a convenience than an attraction. I was the one attracted, I knew I wanted him. I loved him deeply, as deeply as a 21 year old girl/women can. Times were a time where sex before marriage was forbidden. My childhood had given me fear of male touch. I was now waiting for the day that he and I would be together in whatever the mystery of sex might be for me. I just loved him spouting words in mind that love accepted everything. I was a local star and model, even go-go dancer for a short time. He wanted the attention I created, he wanted the marriage. I was seduced with a thought of stardom and it was not a reality. Our wedding day became the beginning of one humiliation after the other. It was the shame and degradation that was unspoken. All perpetuated in a family of warped misgivings and attitudes. On our wedding night he slept with a man and not me! I thought I was just giving love and acceptance. My fear of men, and his need for men as opposed to me it became. The theme of the marriage was one of 5 months.
