Under my child-like skin spun a need. Then my best friend came from Rochester and I got JoAnn an interview. We slept in the same tiny bed I begrudged every night. Her feet in my face and mine in hers. So sweet, for there was nothing but excitement for her interview the next day. I would have a long time friend in New York. Our comfort didn’t matter. We had lived with our backyard connected, sharing secrets on the shed attached to my Garage. Our knees bent and perched on the roof as she told me of her old neighborhood and a babysitter who took advantage of her early development. My skinny body was barely developed. The next day she got the job. Both of us were now free to work in stylish department stores. She was in Bloomingdales selling Mr. Kenneth makeup, the line that Jacklyn Kennedy wore. I was at Berdorfs. Actually her father took us on our first trip to New York. The trip was the 3 of us in a Corvette. She and I took turns sitting on the console in the middle of the car while he drove. I was 14 and JoAnn was 3 years younger.
As the days passed, I still felt the violation that I had no name or feelings for. I just kept moving. Really there was no justice. Work was getting on the bus traveling to Bergdorfs. I kept talking about finding a new place to live. JoAnn provided a roommate and we moved into the Luxury Hotel women at the Barbizon. I could walk to work now and so could she. We were in Midtown where the action was. I still wanted my own place and went to the home office visiting and making Alice my bridge into the world around me. Alice Diamond became a motherly figure counseling me. She was an executive at Glemby Company on E.18th street in the village. My confused energy was spilling all over her and she wanted to direct my small upstate spirit. I continually would consult with whoever I could to direct my journey. My mother had nothing to offer although she had lived in the City when she was young with my father. My direct boss had no time for me. Alice got to know me. I reminded her of Marilyn Monroe, she said in my vulnerable nature. Still I was beautiful by the world’s standards. Yet I couldn’t identify with what that meant. I was becoming part of the “Me to Generation”. Women at the time were to remain modest in Upstate. This was a huge change in a city of millions full of confidence and action.
Alice had known Marilyn when Marilyn lived in New York. I have never felt beautiful, although I knew I liked men. However my first experience was building distrust. Questioning everything at that point, after my drama in Spanish Harlem and my first marriage. Confused, men were always looking at me. Any attention they gave me took me into my adult life with fear and longing. The stage for how I would relate to men as a fatherless child was only a confused image at the time. How it would affect me based on the memory of being like Marilyn lived within me. I still wanted to be a star.
