A Paradigm resting in my heart with a major shift in my spirit. I don’t need to tell my stories to only a select few. Each Doctor I left because of my illness and walking with a truth I had no idea I had. I keep having to deal with the fact that I am not good enough to have a voice. This is a lie I have created for myself out of fear and muscle memory, not speaking up with ease. I believed they knew better than I about my body. Little by little as my pain could tolerate their treatment I began knowing with greater strength. The Doctor who told me he thought I must drive my husband crazy and didn’t believe me that I even tried his medication, suddenly at the last moment I would go to his office and he said he learned in med school that even crazy people needed Doctors. I asked do you think I need a shrink? He said “no”.
I was trying to be his friend when things calmed down and I thought I needed to have fun. I hugged him and he was stiff as a board. I knew that was last time I would go to see him. Still I wrote him a nice letter and blamed myself and gave him the gifts I never had given. I love to share. I blame myself and now I am in the fight of my life as I accept I am not needing any toxic situations. Then while Doctors are supposed to be our friend they are not our friend to hang out with. How I would love to in some cases and he was that kind of doctor at first a big at first. When My potential disease was undefinable all things changed. I heard he and his wife were potentially breaking up and the attractive, fun Dona in my playful self comes to entertain as a patient. Then the Dentist who didn’t do my dentistry to meet my standard. I have so much Dentistry and I worked for a dentist as a receptionist. What learning that was and I proceed to drop names. I had lost my 57 year old Dentist of 30 years to his retirement. How could he, I liked him and for a while I had a crush on him. Just for a while. The office would tease him about his girlfriend. I loved the attention once again. He did all my work and I had to have a tooth extracted in the front of my teeth. This was a saga that I won’t get into. How I learned. He was friends with my PCP and his daughter had died of an overdose. He told me intimate details of her death. It was his grieving I am sure.
He only partially fixed my tooth but the color was wrong. The heavily filled tooth underneath the crown was gray and it showed. I had the gift of my close friend's boyfriend who worked for a company that sold the material which made crowns. I knew I had to have him do it over. Once again I learned of his very loose manner being in an error I had to make him redo. This is another lesson in taking care of myself. I held on tight to my chest as he redid it. He talked and had given me a check to take to my PCP foundation for his daughter. Just not professional, he was to give me a check and I already knew more about PCP. Then I wanted to. Why is that because he is or was a doctor who enjoyed shooting the breeze and was more friendly than I am. He even told me I would never meet another “Doctor like him”.
Now I will go tomorrow to see him and I will carry this shift of loving the man who is being friendly, however I will carve out a new truth. Hopefully! To trust him doing his job without me being the entertainer. Oh maybe just a bit.
