The truth I need to unleash has found itself on my doorstep in a dream; A lost little girl comes crying, telling me to take her home and love her. That's not how it works and I know it, but do I fully understand. Have I the ability to integrate this into my heart, I’m not sure!
"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth... not going all the way, and not starting." ~ Buddha
My dream last night was that of my first husband’s parents coming to visit me with photos of various artifact’s, I had left behind. They wanted me to take what I wanted, I asked if he was still alive. As I stared at the remnants of my past, in some ill begotten form, I really didn’t want any of it. There was a man on a motorcycle who was there to protect me. At first I thought it was one of my brother’s drunken friends. As dreams go there is a jumble of thoughts and lingering questions. Was David Hamilton still alive in San Francisco, I heard that he had become a porno star? Had he gotten Aids? It had happened to so many of the people I danced and frolicked with where I met him. In my dream he was still alive. What I know is that his memory and what he meant to me and our nights as a married couple. My first sexual experience was that of humiliation and it lingers with me now. I didn’t know till after this was a part of my primal self.
I have kept very few remnants of photography and news clippings from my first wedding, as I clean and get rid of just another layer of my past. I have found a photo of the very beautiful me with David’s hand perfectly posed on my waist. My sense of loss of real love and trust became a doorway to discovering how life could build some base of discovering a world that had where I had no idea of how men could love men and women could love women. The question became who did I love?
My naïve, freighted virginal self, carried abuse, and the ability with my first husband not being able to make love me as a heterosexual male; for he was gay. I was clueless.
So many stories start and don’t get to be finished until the end!
