What would it mean if I got exactly what I wanted. How could I ever know, I couldn’t. I play with life and all that comes before me until I am calm. Now in these aging moments I want to choose more carefully as the bubble existing within me spills over. Loss hangs as if on a hook has been placed in the center of my soul. How can I want, what I want? From the depth of my being. I am seeing how I play my game, which has changed and no longer wants just amusement; I want reality. This must be a conscious choice with intention.
Is it arrogance or faith? I knew a year ago I had to stop my game and the rules giving way to watching another game continue. Was it a practice for the world you live in or just you doing you? What are you and who are you really? My story finds trust in how I am with you; perhaps only amusement for me, you do laugh. This has led me to a safe world where you do just as you want and allow me the same. Words and thought, practices have brought me comfort and distractions.
What do you want from me? What do you want for me? I know what I want. Ha! Is this pushing an envelope, I should never have opened? My longing is stealing my breath, rather than giving me breath. Perhaps it is the air at my depth I have never known. I want to understand just a portion of what I have become and see if I can heal. I want to tell you all my stories and entertain you as I want you to entertain me. This gives me a remedial life letter. Not the fractured narrative wrapped in question marks, where I emphasize wonder. Do I wait or have I waited too long, living in the moment, because I had no intentions. I need what is scratching inside to be expressed. Is life giving me a Band-Aid or a cure? Where are your words?
