Hello Again: Wow.. While the anxious response of what happened yesterday has left me very quiet and tired, I wanted to write you. Given the emotion of my last e-mail I really had to look at myself. Because I am in Alanon and telling our secrets is important in sharing and recovering ourselves. I've heard it said that we are only as sick as our secrets. So thank you for allowing me what you do. The healing occurred because I felt a combination of pressure from my husband getting Viagra and the story of losing my virginity... on and on. I'm not sure what happens when I see you, if my brain just does its thing or whatever or you being the kind of man whose appearance frightens me. I am just grateful I got past my feelings of shame and violation. While I really do know what happens to me when a man gives me any undivided attention, I am convinced that the universe, God whatever it is: the "Blink' of what I bring to the office. My years and experiences is that we are all taken care of, somehow and someway. While it may never be in the ways we could ever imagined and makes no sense at first, getting to a positives place is what is important. Now another unleashing has happened, I'm still shaking my head at my pulling off my shirt, and is that a growth and a gesture of trust or a moment of uncontrollable me. I just knew I wanted simplify and no struggle. When I say I knew I didn't want struggle. It was just another momentary reaction to an uncomfortable need. Like hitting you! Oh I so can laugh at myself. I've always said I am one of Gods jesters. What is God preparing me for? I would imagine that the final letting go requires to unleash ourselves from our struggles. Ah too much.
