The Surrogate Wish
I have had the privilege of being with a handful of people just before they made ready to pass from this world. Being with the dying is an honor as far as I am concerned because when it meets my minds ideal; it is the moment when truth from the person is most ignited. I seem to have seen these people do what is known as “rallying” to dance just once before they let go. My girlfriends husband (Lou) had the admiration that allowed him friends and family that wanted every minute with him. Some of those friends were Doctors. These Doctors were able to keep him out of pain without losing his passionate spirit and personality that spoke to these men. One of the men who were there to support him was a Doctor an Oncologist and Lou was dying of Cancer at age 54. To his credit I watched him rally one last day to be doing his fantasy football and eat his favorite sandwich even though his body had already started shutting down. The ability to eat in the mist of dying for me speaks to the power of the human spirit. He also got to read my last written words to him. He told my his wife; that I was a poet. Lou’s words were: “Why Dona is a Poet”. I think coming from a man who was dying; his words I took on a whole new meaning for me. I was able to say I am a Poet with a bit more confidence.
This is how I feel about my sexuality; the rallying of my own spirit as a sensual woman has been ignited. Not to say I am dying but I feel I am hanging on to my sensual self by a thread. To experience all the beauty, I never allowed myself to feel or know. In my childhood experiences as a young woman and child, who moved through life with a love for men as I searched for my father in all men. Now as the torment of some of my nights and having my husband has gone out of town. I wanted one last rally. I wanted to tell one more story of a fantasy that I have only partly told. She told me of her X who is a Doctor with some interesting sexual proclivities; her story inspired me further. How could this notion in mind have crazed me by thinking of how I could even bring my wild imagination I have because I am dying for male attention.
Yes indeed I am a desperate old woman with a very young mind and spirit that wants to rally to the embrace of being loved with the passion of a once young beautiful woman. I have just begun owning my beauty; I want to be with a man who is younger. Much like the ownership of my being a poet with a new confidence, I feel the beauty of who I am and have nowhere to engage it. Where did this desperation come from and where will it go? I am going to breathe through this and hold my actions and thoughts as much as possible. What I think doesn’t have to be real but I want it to be. Yet in my past thoughts I have seen what I focus on I attract. Ah but the notion is just so pleasurable to have one last fling. What will the universe allow? Would it complicate or appease? These thoughts were all inspired by the movie “Sessions” where I went into the theater's bathroom after seeing it and cried. I knew in my heart I needed someone to walk me through what I had never known. The enlivening of all the pleasures I had accepted in an unconscious response to whomever. Is there someone who could teach me how to feel my physical body, which has been shut down little by little in all the sex I have had with unconscious reactions. Perhaps in reality I have had all the feelings just not in one man. That itself is a dangerous thought for me. I don’t want to think my life has been enough even though I am grateful for what I have learned. In my experience so far life has led me with wonder and grace.
