I had hid for most of my teen years after just one date and one kiss. My mother was too terrorized by me getting into trouble in its narrow definition of what bad and good meant. She later told me; “I kept you under my thumb until you were smart enough to get out from under it”. She did! I was asked out on a date and as I kissed him good night and said goodbye. My mother in her fear began accusing me of having sex. The ramblings of the narrow beginnings of the 1960’s. I have had a best friend since childhood. We were sisters, without blood, as our childhood was meshed together, I spent a lot of time at her home. She had a family, Mother, father and two brothers my mother and I spent many a family dinner. She ate everything. I picked and gagged on green beans. As we entered our teen years we sat in the bathroom exploring our bodies, separately. Hiding there, sitting on the floor, we looked and giggled. This again was a time when anything below our waist and above were private parts. As beginning teens we were going to break the rules. Oh there were so many of them.
The neighborhood began to change much as our bodies did. I know I had shame then. I was so frail looking and my friends were developed. Do they even use those words known for body descriptions now? A new girl named Gail came closer to my long time friend's house we began playing with sex postures in her attic. She was also well developed and both of them had pubic hair, I had only a few. I was the girl that the boys would taunt about my breasts. I was flat chested, bone thin. They would point to my chest and say there’s a fungus among us. How cruel kids can be. I then fit into the role of boy even in these games played. They would lift their skirts with no underwear, I don’t completely have the words for my directing pose after pose with my being a character from the play: LesMiserables; Jean Veljean. A male figure and I add a perfect French accent from a TV character, I listen to him over and over. I couldn’t bear to expose my body and let their dog be part of the choreography. I would shout I’m Jean Veljean and dance avoiding experimentation. My mixed impressions of who I was as Girl were confused even further as the teacher made me the male lead in Ballroom Dance because I was tall. I still struggle with being the lead when I dance.
