Ah! If I truly understood my thoughts on my writing about my past in a memoir, I don’t think it was my intention, but my mothers needs linger. Often their imprint is motivating me. I may have gotten past her needs for me to be a symbol of femininity, shaped as a television icon. However, it left its continual feelings of striving for what was not possible! A teenage angst does have the possibility for motivating growth! In my case of collecting stories, there is a continual battle with the demons of dissatisfaction. My writing now finds how I am satisfied with what I do and write and my process of self doubt. By no means am I wanting to feel sorry for myself! However adolescence found adulthood late! Very late. I have had fun because of that!
Today I am grappling with how easy it has become to continually postpone writing while carrying a need to make excuses for how having to have an outline for a life not written. Only lived in my head and not on paper, giving it form. Now it is time to show up for myself and define what is history and how I am not the; ”Class Complainer” as I was voted in High School.
My story will need it’s writing before I can see it’s growth and direction. There will be no excuses for complaints or explanations. So I have held and wrapped my stories well in piles unread, unwritten, unfulfilled. I am showing up and deciding to wear my life like a loose garment yet still writing to move forward. All described and told as a story of my life and fun and pain to get to another layer of myself.
