David told me that San Francisco was like a candy store for him and we had to go back East to reclaim a marriage. We went to his parents which didn’t allow us to really be close, another excuse not to be truly intimate. A full consummated marriage was not going to happen. I remained a Virgin. Still I was blinded by his words and lies to keep me at a distance, I had no idea what would follow? He was figuring out how to end the Marriage and to return to his California lover. He said maybe he would be less inhibited if we were not married. It was all too much for him and it was a time we all wanted to be free spirits. Lies began to show themselves as his stories wrapping me in proving I was a Virgin so we could have an easier way to get back to being: What? I don’t know. I was going to have an annulled marriage. This began a legacy of Humiliation.
I went to a Gynecologist to prove I was a Virgin, Virgin, Virgin!! I don’t think he went with me but I know I cried. A cold metal speculum was to be an entry into my Sexuality. I don’t remember a reassuring hug or words when I left the courthouse. My marriage was to be deemed; in all its grandeur that I didn’t even happen. I can see it in my mind, where I was. I don’t remember the Doctor who pronounced me a virgin. I do remember David had gotten us an apartment where we were to leave his parents. This was where I was to go on somehow, he must of thought. The only thing I remember is my ring on the shelf and the world with deception. I had to face being alone. My body screamed for expression, to be held, although I was going to be alone. Alone with the dramas to follow and the wonder of memories, somehow still residing in my mind.
