My mother would buy a lamb chop or porterhouse steak, from the corner store. She would take the tenderloin and give me, and the rest, was hers; for I never could fully eat. She would say the tenderloin is smaller. Seemed to have the same underlying motive, as she would take the dimes in my purse, telling me the nickels were larger in my collection of coins from my father’s rifle range. The lamb or steak smelled so sweet, I was hungry from the many household and caregiving interchanges between my mother and I. She needed me, I was to become her savior in a male dominated working world. She now was the breadwinner. Going to work every day and I wanted her to be there. She wasn’t taking me to school as other mothers did, I would find a neighborhood kid, and walk with them. When my father was alive, he would come home and I would wait for him to cook for me; scramble egg as a Western omelet. I remember his love. She told me I used to eat everything. Now in a Childs form of mourning, I stopped eating, as my mother struggled for income. She saw her money being wasted and her form of grief took on anger and control. We were in a battle of wills. So many corners of my mind are stuffed with her anger and I was becoming a Pollyanna, wanting to take care of the world. People told me I looked like Pollyanna, or Hayley Mills and I loved the attention. Her poor uneducated self, once mad at the Water Co. calling them asking/yelling maybe, how could they send a bill for water. Over and over she found ways of manipulating her world and me. Food for me was my power and my struggle with food continues. This perhaps was a gift from Bonnie’s family, a real family eating together, even if I still struggled with eating green beans and the like. Could it be I couldn’t digest the differences? I was hungry from the many household and caregiving interchanges between my mother and I, although my pallet was limited. Sugar was more than a main course. A German bakery across the street was were my mother sent me when she just couldn’t handle any more stress. I do think she really loved me with whatever her limitations created.
